Life is a gift

I went on a ski trip this past weekend. It has been our 2nd anniversary that week, as well as my husbands birthday, and we decided to make a 5 hour journey to a spectacular mountain with 2 of our friends. We brought baby for the adventure. I am glad I went. I am behind in my work and sleep this week...but really, I am chronically this way to various degrees, so it makes no difference!

I had a brutal oral exam on Friday, surrounded by 7 staff docs and 1 other resident. it was an hour long, and I was more nervous then I expected to be. I found that I would provide an answer and be met with such stoney faces, that I would rephrase the same answer a 2nd or 3rd time. "Yes the recurrence rate is approximately 5% after 5 years. Um, between 5 and 10 years the recurrence rate is over 5%. " ahem. cough. squirm. I stupidly once retracted a correct answer because of nerves. I stated that I would follow the patient with 6 month - yearly CT scans. I got the comment "and expose the pt to all that radiation?". I retracted my answer. WRONG. the right answer was to follow the patient with CT... I was just very flustered at that point. It wasnt pretty. These exams are a practice for our final Royal College exams, and are intended to HELP us. I feel that they can be damaging, but maybe in later years I will disagree.

I arrived home from work and my husband was loading our car and getting us ready to go. I felt so small, and my spirits so low. I told him I shouldnt go. I told him I was so weak and I needed to stay home and study. I was on the verge of tears when our friends showed up to go. Everyone was excited. So... I went.

I went and I skiied just like a normal person. It felt so freeing and so nice. I had a cold nose and I waited in chairlift line-ups and I drank real ski-lodge-style hot chocolate ! we ate a ski-lodge s pubs with big fireplaces, where everyone has messy hat-hair and rosy cheeks. Baby girl went to day care during the day and would fall asleep on my shoulder during dinner. That is, after she smiled at everyone she possibly could!

It makes me wonder. Life is such an irony. I see patients who are diagnosed with cancer, who are faced with their mortality, who develop a whole new sense of their life. I had a successful and wealthy CEO patient, with a diagnosis of prostate cancer. He told me to hug my daughter and love my husband. "Dont do what I did, spend TIME with your family and loved ones. Life is a gift."

Yes... and I drove home from our trip, sleepy, and feeling sick to my stomach --- Re-living the Friday experience, and knowing the life that was waiting for me.